User Profile

What a surprise, to slide into middle age only to discover I have chroniologically surpassed my emotional age, when for so long the inverse was the rule.
I currently work as an RN in a community hospital ER; mother of one, Cake; spouse of none. Introverted, borderline recluse, often mistaken for a socially-skilled extrovert and glib dilettante; life long history of depression, now mostly under control; voracious reader, writer. Former advocate to the homeless, I have an subtle obsession with social justice in every sense of the term. Registered as "undeclared" but have always voted democrat, except for former Massachusetts governor Bill Weld, a cool republican.
Not sure what the future holds. I like being a nurse but recently likened it to waitressing in the ninth circle of hell, because it is like that a lot. Suspect I have to return to school eventually, to keep myself amused, challenged, fulfilled, fed and clothed simultaneously. Wanderer and traveller, grounded by the task of child-rearing; someday I will explore Mongolia in the summer on horseback. Until then, living in western MA, mostly happily. Find a spiritual home among those left of center, artistically inclined in one way or another, brainiacs, poets, painters, musicians, some physicians.

If money were not an object I would own a lot of land, woods and pasture, where I would read & write, have horses and foster other stray animals, use as a home base to return to between travel adventures; would build my kid a home of her own; I would donate some of my time to humanitarian causes such as doctors without borders, return to art school (which I abandoned in my youth,) go to law school, and watch more tv. I would eat whatever I wanted without ever gaining weight, and set up an endowment for the arts in my community. I would hire someone to cook meals for me, a housekeeper, a secretary and personal trainer.
With the exception of eating without consequence, I think I can achieve most of this in my lifetime, if I could get enough sleep....

Alas, because my live journal is a virtual compost pile, steaming and teeming with stream-of-consciousness verbosity and emotional, social and cognitive processing, and also because so many find me so offensive in my raw, unedited form, AND because I work with the public in the same community I live in, entries are largely private.
I've found it is the only journal I've ever had that people can't snoop in, and as such is extremely invaluable to me. I can and do write endlessly, whatever I think or feel, and sometimes it is offensive even to me. But I believe in the value of suspending judgment and writing unedited, and hey, it's my process, my journal.
To be able to write so freely is such a priceless gift and tool.

Occasionally I feel some disparity exists- I read so many other journals that are open, stark, raw, and yet keep my own largely private. Mostly I am envious that those other folks either have the talent to present their inner drek so well, or their process is so much cleaner than my own, or that they have a measure of bold self esteem and invulnerability to judgment that I lack.

Whatever the case, I'm grateful for this funny, electronic dumping ground, and take great pleasure in others' journals as well.

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